New things for Drake

Well after watching Drake dance like crazy to SYTYCD, David and I have decided to find a toddler dance program for him!! I found one place but he will have to wait till he is 3 years old to start!! I hope he will be able to join a class after the summer classes have started, lets hope he will be able to!!



We are trying the whole potty training again and NOT getting anywhere *eyeroll* I think he actually LOVES his diapers, we are in soooo much trouble lol

I screwed my knee up yesterday so no bike for us for awhile, I can barley walk on it so I doubt ill be able to peddle a bike...this sucks!! I hate sitting here in this house, nothing to do but clean up after to HUGE 2 year olds....MIL and DH!! Mil left yesterday BUT made sure to leave me a HUGE fucking mess to clean, this is why my knee is fucked....went to move a box full of tools and one of Davids fell out and SMACK!! So MIL is gone now till HOPEFULLY Aug, I need this break more then anyone will ever know!!

Other then that its been a very boring week, we did pay tribute to a friend of Dhs on Memorial Day!! CPT Piche, you are also in our thoughts!! <3 <3

In Rememberance of Army Capt. Pierre E. Piche....29, of Starksboro, Vermont.
Piche died when two 101st Airborne
Division (Air Assault) UH-60 Black Hawk helicopters crashed in Mosul,
Iraq. He was assigned to the 626th Forward Support Battalion, 101st
Airborne Division (Air Assault), Fort Campbell, Kentucky. Died on
...November 15, 2003

Long week!!

Its been a long week lol if you havent noticed I changed my blog to adult settings :D Im a little mouthy at times heehee

On Monday Drake and I went on a 4 mile bike ride with Kelly and Mikah! We went down to the Wildlife preserve to see the ducks, geese and haring, got pics of all but the haring!! We had a great time and its a fishing whole right off the Colorado river!

My son Gregory mastered the stilts the other day it was great, my sister sent me all kinds of video and pics! He has grown soooo much since I seen him in Aug!! He will be here in about a month and will be here for 3 weeks!!




The rest of the week has been kinda of slow and sitting around the house, its been windy and really warm here...needless to say Drake has been a hand full, he is taking a little more now and im happy about that...NOW on to potty training lol

So now onto the holiday weekend, not sure what we are doing as of yet! My mil will be leaving on the 2nd and I really need the break *sigh*

How I look now, and when I was 210lbs

Me now May 10' Im down to 131 and loving it, pants fit better, I have WAY more energy!!


This is a photo of Drake and I while at Calico watching the battles!! I was 210 lbs Feb 09'

Not the same person I was!!

Things have changed greatly in my life, I had another m/c on Jan 11 of this year! Dont want to look back dont want the what ifs!! Life is about..... change, growth and family! Im ready to move on and not look back! May not be trying to get pregnant, but if it happens it happens! Im not gonna stress myself over charting, temping ect ANYMORE! We are just trying to enjoy what we have, if things change we are more then ready to watch and grow with it!!

Drake is doing great, he is starting to verbalize a little better, he is trying!! He is sitting at 30lbs and not sure about his height lol but he is getting longer haha He plays ALL day and beats the shit out of me daily cause he HATES the word NO but what choice do I have with a child that thinks EVERYTHING is his!

Gregory is doing great, his grades are great! He will be coming here for 3 weeks this July for his and Drakes bdays.....I cannot wait, this will be the first time I have my boys together for BOTH birthdays!! Its gonna be a fun few weeks, gonna throw them a party, take them camping, fishing and who knows what else trouble we can get into while he is here haha

David and I are slowly getting better with our relationship, its been tough in that department with living here, his mom doesnt understand....so evidently neither did David TILL I laid everything out on the line.....I told him right out, id be out of here if he didnt start changing his attitude, well he did but after some very hard conversations!!

Life here in CO is gonna take me more time to get use to BUT Im getting there! I need to get the hell out of this house MORE....but im not surer where to go lol Ill figure that one out also haha

PCOS Treatment and Awareness Petition

PCOS Treatment and Awareness Petition

I FUCKING GIVE UP!!!

Im done dealing with Drs. I have had enough of this fucking run around, I RATHER JUST DIE! That would solve ALL of this shit, then my husband doesnt have to be marry to a fucking cunt!!

I am NOT doing this anymore, the fucking stress isnt worth this, the pain isnt worth this, LIFE its worth this anymore!! I have been fucking crying for 3 fucking hours straight, with no end in site!!

The Drs want me to self refer myslef WELL they can go fuck themselves when they cant even give me the right numbers to call, give me a fucking run around so I LOOK LIKE stupid, WELL do your fucking jobs and I wouldnt be so fucking angry with y'all!!

Its the blind leading the fucking blind, this Dr doesnt even know how to deal with my issues, yet dont send me the right fucking Drs is gonna solve this shit?????


IM FUCKING DONE!!!

3 damn hours WTF

Why is it that after 3 hours then removing the post people start to respond and want to see it and blahhhh fucking blahhhh All I wanted was a simple question answered and WTF do I get NOTHING as always!!

I no my place and its not APA, Facebook or myspace ect......................ITS NO WHERE!! Fuck it, ill stay a loner the rest of my fucking life so I dont have to deal with 2 faced fucking people!!!

Whats the point to talk with people IRL or online, leave the house or even answer the phone??? When the people on the other side dont give a "DAMN" what I have to say!!

I have dealt with more in my 31 years then most people will their entire lives, that fucking sad :(
Even my dad at 55 tells me I have see more death and heartache then most people could handle!!

My life has been one big fucking roller coaster, from the death of my daughter, fighting to get and stay preggo, all the fucking losses, throwing 14 years of my life down the drain for a man that never loved me!! Its sad when he tells me now, "I only married you cause I felt bad Brianna died WTF.....................Its nice to know all these years later :(


One day I guess Ill find some place I belong BUT for now, Ill be MIA, cause whats the point to be some place where you feel very unwanted!!!

Hurt, this sums it all up

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


This is one song that hits home for me, so many people I want to tell to get fucked at this very moment!! I try soooo hard to be there for people and in the end I get fucked!!

Update with diagnosis

Well yesterday was a very long day, nothing to do but sit and wait for my appointment!! I was going out of my mind by noon time, still had 3 1/2 to wait at that point lol I really didnt want to go in there!! Havent gotten everything 100% yet but im working on that!!

So far (PCOS) Polycystic ovary syndrome, 4 1/2 cm cyst in my left ovary and pre-diabetic!! This is just the begging of all this, I have been put on Metformin for the PCOS and diabetic issues.......lets hope this helps with all these crazy issues! As for the cyst we will be watching it very closley since at 5cm is when they remove them!! Well now I know where all that pain was coming from.......its not fun at all!! I will need to go back in for another trans/vag u/s in 3 months OR if if it ruptures........this is something we dont want to happen since I could lose my ovary or hemorrhage......yet another NOT fun!!!

After lunch I will be making the two appointments, one I will not talk about on here(my girls know what it is) the other is the surgeon for my right boob!! They want to start off with just the u/s, they want to look around before they go sticking a 6in vacuum needle into my freaking tit!! I want to make sure 100% before I put myself through MORE pain!! Most days I feel as if someone is sticking hot pokers slowly into my cleavage......all I want to do is scream........they will NOT give me anything for the pain, so I informed my Dr yet again that I am "NOT" scared to self medicate myself................have been for years "YES" she knows this!!! I told her right out, this is unfair for me to deal with ALL of this pain...........I asked her have you ever dealt with this much physical pain in your life???? She said "NO" I wanted to slap the bitch upside her head!!

Look this woman is a great "PERSON" she just sucks as a Dr.........this is something Im learning more and more as I see her! I KNOW MORE about PCOS, ovarian cysts ALL my health issues and this bitch wants to beat around the bush and risk me losing my ovary and boobs *chinscratch*

WELL yesterday I made that womans mouth drop more then once in her office!! I felt SOOOOOO fucking good about it, I stood my ground like "I" said I would!! I have had enough of this shit, 15 years of pure and utter hell with my deformed, broken ass body!! People wonder(yes Ill say it again)why I AM THE WAY I AM lmfao

I am a bitch and I love the fact that I am, If I wasnt this way NOTHING would ever get done with these idiot doctors out here in CA(no offense to anyone) Now this is the 5th time I have had to put "MY" foot down with either the Dr, Insurance or the group provider!!! Fuck them all, I will have things MY way ITS my body ;)

Would do anything.....

to have just one person to talk to at this VERY MINUTE...................im soooo unhappy.............dont know what to do......................just ONE person would be nice..................I help so many people but when I need it NO ONE IS AROUND! I need a sholder once in a while also, where is my sholder?? I am tired of not feeling wanted where ever I go, I have tried soooo hard to just NOT CARE but I cant do that......I need somewhere I can feel LIKE ME, FEEL LIKE I BELONG.........................I guess being almost 32 I dont belong anywhere, you would think by now Id find something........................

Hmmmm makes me wonder???

So I went to bed with David about an hour ago, boy was that one a mistake :`( WTF, im laying next to you crying and all you could do is tap me on the back and ask if im CRYING?? WTF, all I wanted was you to hold me!!

Im sooo depressed right now, I drank for the same stupid reasons I did 6 1/2 years ago........because I DONT FEEL WANTED BY ANYONE!! How many times do I have to tell you??

Im lonely, depressed and all you care about is how I hurt your feeling tonight.....HOW ABOUT MINE??? They havent mattered yet in 6+ years, you wonder why I am the way I am?? Think about it for 10 mins maybe you'll get it!!

WTF do you think I could forget about a relationship that started while "YOU" were still in elementary school!! This is the father of my child, he never cared about me and Gregory and now I feel im in the same fucking boat w/out the drinking!!

I have fucking feelings also, do you know what its like when your 11 year old son calls here crying his eyes out since he father hasnt called or written in over 2 years??? I hate the man BUT I also hate seeing my son so depressed over a man that could care less about him!!

I love you David, I wouldnt be with you if I didnt BUT seeing him do for his new wife what he should have been doing for Greg and I the WHOLE time is killing me!! How the fuck could you marry someone that is a heroin addict?? Once an addict ALWAYS an addict......Dick I have you to thank for the knowledge on this one SINCE I AM NOW considered a recovering addict!! Thanks fuck face!!!! If I hadent been drinking ALL of your beer ALL of those years to keep you from ABUSING your (so called wife at the time)wife and child!!

Oh im soooo fucking glad Iris, you think he is gods gift I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU!!!! Dont tell me I didnt warn you, DONT HAVE KIDS WITH THAT MAN!! He has 2 already that he GAVE UP and signed rights away!! You both claim you love Mandy and Greg WELL if that was the case IRIS you would have talked him OUT OF RE-JOINING THE ARMY!! See and thanks to you Iris my son doesnt have a father anymore, you made him re-join so you didnt have to be in Maine anymore since THEY ALL know you are a fucking tweaker from HELL!! Kiss my ass you scanky fucking bitch, oh and Dick DONT EVER THINK YOU WILL GET "MY" SON!!

Not happy, feel unwanted in my own home and would like to take my sons and run the fuck away!!!


I HATE YOU RICHARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im drunk

Yup, im sitting here killing a bottle of Jagger.....prob not the best thing right now BUT its all I got!! Lets see here, Monday was my u/s with the Ob's office.......I say with since I never got to talk with an actually OB Dr!!! I have been told only one thing....no to get preggo anytime soon.....hmmmm wonder why?? I do know some faces were made between the two techs that I didnt like!! You know something is up when they dont let you watch the damn thing!! I hate going into a place where I cant get answers till a week later! I miss Maine more then anything right now since ALL of my tests would have been done in ONE office and not this whole....come here do tests BUT wait FOREVER for test resulsts!! So this Monday is my Drs visit to find you whats up with my body, still DONT think they will be able to get an answer since my Dr told me right out to NOT have the my testing done on CD3.......OH NO wait till the following week when the tests will come back inconclusive blahhhhhhh I HATE DRs!!!!

Oh and did I say I was getting drunk, yup I have finished off half a bottle of Jagger on my own! I could so get on a plane in 25 days and fly home to Maine to kill my ex-hubby want to be father of the year......get a grip buddy, if you wanted to be father of the year you shouldnt have signed your parental rights away to re-joined the damned Army!! Love my soldiers BUT not this low life scum of a want to be dad!! He has been gone to Africa for 15 months, never once called or wrote a letter to my boy!! WTF would he even want you as a father when you dont care about him!! ALL you hate about deployment is missing you ex-heroin wife and you fucking cats......UMMMM hello you have 2 children that I bet would love to see you and know their father!!! AHHHH WTF ever, you are scum....NO I will never tell your son that SINCE he figured it out on his own!! SEE those are some good genes MINE damn it!!

Love you Gregory, remember that mommy is ALWAYS here for you 100%!!

Will update when I get my test results on Monday!!

Took me months lol

Finally have a layout, after months of searching for something to show me how I HAVE ONE WOOHOOOO I thought since I have 2 boys I go with the little boy hand/footprint and I love it!!

Today is Mommy's day and to me its just another commercialized holiday in the U.S!! We dont celebrate holiday's the same way as others!! I did get a gift from David, Drake and Greg.....they bought me my Wii and fit back in April!! Other then that who needs things to tell them they are special, just having my kids makes me special!! Really the Wii wasnt intended as a mothers day gift, it was so I could get my weight in check and be able to work out without going outside! I have a severe histamine disorder that causes me to break out from heat, cold, stress......anything that gets my blood boiling or change in body temp!! Im still having issues but its not as bad as when I walk to the store and my blood pressure and temp sky rocket then I breakout from head to toe BOY does it suck!

As of midnight tonight I will be fasting for 2 appointments tomorrow HOW fun! Glucose test in the morn then 40 oz of water for my u/s tomorrow afternoon! I am NOT looking forward to this AT ALL!!

Drake is down for a nappy so Im off to watch this weeks Harper's Island!

For those then celebrate Mothers day, Have a wonderful day <3

Yesterday and lastnight wasnt fun!!

Drake playing with Daddy's safty glasses at 130am :)

With all my issues I wish my son would nap during the day since its the only way he will sleep at night UGH!! We were up till 2am, him running around like a chicken with its head cut off!!
Some nights I dont mind this as long as long as I have more then 4 hours of sleep and last night I was running off of 4 from the night before!! I think his teethe may be bothering him again, so its a good reason to stay up half the night!!

Now for me extreme pain + stomach sleeper = NO real sleep for me since I cant fall asleep unless on my belly!! This sucks and isnt any fun :(


Why are Drs office so fucking stupid??? They called the other day to tell me my referral was all set and call the surgeon......ok cool BUT when I got the nerve up to call the surgeon office yesterday, only to find out they DONT have shit on me WTF!! I am sick to death of all this run around, if something DOES come back I am suing the shit out the insurance company for waiting 3 months for my damn referral for the mammogram and reinstating my Dr WE were paying for the whole time, then this BS run around from my damn Drs!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH BULLSHIT DAMN IT!!

Wow another one already lmao

Lets see here Drake is almost 2 years old "ALL READY" July 23rd is gonna come really quick!! I am feeling like shit since we will not be able to give Drake a party again this year :( We have no friends or even friends with children his age! This hurts me so bad, im seeing all the girls from my birth month talking about what they have planned and who is gonna be there ect.....WE have NO family here either, dont get me wrong there is nothing wrong with Daddy, mommy and Drake celebrating BUT something has got to give! My kids isnt gonna know how to play with others if this shit keeps up!!

My parents have still not met their grandson yet, I still havent made it to Maine due to finances!! My son Greg did make it out here in February for a week, THAT WASNT ENOUGH FOR ME!! I need my sons together and nothing I do will get us the fuck out of Cali!!

What sucks even more is we have had a few job offers but the pay isnt enough to live off of even in KY, a 12$ pay cut would kill us!

Then this afternoon I get a phone call from David and he is NOT GOOD!! He is ready to grieve for his step-dads death, he has been depressed since last night when we got the pictures of the accident and yes his father was in them!! We had to see them, we needed closer and all it did was make us wonder things even more!! One of those thoughts are he was alive some of the time, left out there to die since AT&T wouldnt ping the cell tower with a subpoena from a judge!! THANKS ASSHOLE YOU LET HIM DIE OUT THERE ALONE!! Mind you this is after the Colorado sheriffs department asked them too, what more do you need, the man was 100% disabled, with a lot of health issues!!

All Phil wanted was to go home, kiss and hug his wife and you(AT&T) stole that from them both because of this BS!!

All I want to do is scream right now, all I want is for someone to hit the pause button so I can regain my sanity!! blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ok so its been forever blahhh blahhh ;)

Ok so its been awhile since I've blogged so this may be a train wreck!!


Its so fun when you have NO friends, you sit at home all day thinking of the things you could be doing IF only you had one friend!! Dont get me wrong...... I have friends in Maine and online but not a one where I live!! All I want is to get out of the house with someone other then my son and husband, again dont get me wrong.....I love my family BUT a girl needs some time with other women!! Im going through alot right now, not alot of people know t full extent of all of it! Its hard to talk about to some degree, while on this journey I have discovered some things I didnt want to know and now must deal with and try to fix the problems!!

Im scared in some ways but not in the one most would think....IM NOT afraid to die....IM afraid to leave my children without a mother!! I got my referral yesterday and Im not 100% sure I want to know if 1) I will love a breast(or both) and 2) find out there is nothing they can do.....meaning it has gotten into my lymph nods!! Been dealing with incredible pain in both breast for a little over 3 months now, had a nipple discharge and didnt think anything about it till a little while later when I read and saw a video about IBC(inflammatory breast cancer)by this point tho I had already gotten the persistent rash that wouldnt go away!

Now I sit here contemplating where or not to call and make said appointment!! So many things going through my head and im not sure what to think!!

On another note, I go in on Monday for an u/s on my uterus, lets hope things look OK so I will at least know one day MAYBE Ill be able to give my sweet loving caring man of a husband another child!!

Im gonna try and keep this as updated as I can, not for myself not for my friends(sorry ladies) but for my children and husband....just in case something does happen to me!!

So this is what I got right now and yes this was a huge train wreck, what can I say, I cant even think straight right now!!

MISCARRIAGE

How many more am I gonna have before a doctor will do something?? I was so scared to have another baby so soon and not having Drake's issues fixed BUT I really need for this to stop! I am on my 7 th m/c and each time it gets worse for me to deal with! I was 5 days late with one odd positive test then I start AF, not just start but START!! I am on my 7th day of excruciating pain, I feel as if it will never go away! How much more of this can I take before I snap?? Im tired hurt and emotionally IDK what to do!

Damn it I have been pregnant 10 times, 3 births and 2 boys to show for it! I want ALL that has been taken from me! Im tired of hurting all the fucking time! I have one friend and and she doesnt even live in the same state as me *cry* I need someone here to talk to, to do things with so I dont keep thinking about all of this shit! I am on a mommy board BUT even there I dont feel like im wanted! (sorry if any of you read this) Do they really want to here about another one?? Are they gonna say things behind my back?? Like is she only doing this for attention type of thing! I shouldnt be scared to tell people, im sorry my body is all fucked up and I cant figure out whats wrong with me!!

One day this will be all over and I wont have to worry about it anymore!! If things keep going the way they are IDK what im gonna do!!! I need to talk to someone about this but every one keeps says "your fine, its no big deal!!" WTF its not a big deal I just lost another child, how is this not a big deal??

Ever feel soooo alone??

Have you ever felt so alone?? Like you dont belong anywhere?? Thats how Im feeling right now and it sucks bad! I live in a place thats just not worth doing anything or going anywhere BESIDES its t damn hot anyways! I wish I was still in Kentucky, it would be so much easier and Id be able to get out and find some new friends! This place just keeps getting worse by the day and I hate it! I would love to take my son out to the park BUT that will never happen here UNLESS I want my kid near gang bangers and drug dealers! Why does my husband have to work for the GOV. and be at the only military installation in the country WITH the worst heat,people and nothing to do?? UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I just need to get out of this place for a bit BUT that wont happen! I tried a few weeks ago and never got off the ground in that plane! I miss the way things use to be, being able to go out and see people, have a few drinks and BE myself! I am no longer myself I have even lost that! When is things gonna get back to normal?? When am I gonna have friends and a life again WITHOUT all the drama!!!! Fuck it my life sucks and its gonna be that way forever!!

The things I hate most!!

I hate when people judge me when they dont even know me! Why should I apologize for something I didnt do wrong! I have been this person for 14 years and NOTHING anyone says or does is gonna change me!

In the last few days I have seen some blogs that are out right judging people for what THEY chose to do with THEIR families! Just because I chose to do something you do not agree with DOESNT make me a bad parent or person!

Yes Im atheist
yes I circ'ed my boys
yes I share a bed with my husband and 11 month old
NO I havent vaxed my son AT ALL
NO its none of your business what I do with MY FAMILY!

Further more in a marriage their are TWO people that make the decisions!
I DO NOT have a penis so its not really my decision its my HUSBANDS

I have been living a lifestyle where my children come 1st no mater what!!
FOR those of you the assume I learned my parenting style from a book YOU ARE DEAD WRONG! I have been this parent before the SO CALLED AP books came out!

These things are what im about and dont care who thinks they are better then me cause they didnt do this or didnt do that! SO to all you ignorant people out there FUCK OFF if you dont like me for letting my husband make a decision about something that MAY or MAY not effect my son later on down the road!!

I AM WHO I AM & I LOVE MY FAMILY & MYSELF!! I am not second guessing my way of parenting JUST because SOME book says I should!!