Ok so its been forever blahhh blahhh ;)

Ok so its been awhile since I've blogged so this may be a train wreck!!


Its so fun when you have NO friends, you sit at home all day thinking of the things you could be doing IF only you had one friend!! Dont get me wrong...... I have friends in Maine and online but not a one where I live!! All I want is to get out of the house with someone other then my son and husband, again dont get me wrong.....I love my family BUT a girl needs some time with other women!! Im going through alot right now, not alot of people know t full extent of all of it! Its hard to talk about to some degree, while on this journey I have discovered some things I didnt want to know and now must deal with and try to fix the problems!!

Im scared in some ways but not in the one most would think....IM NOT afraid to die....IM afraid to leave my children without a mother!! I got my referral yesterday and Im not 100% sure I want to know if 1) I will love a breast(or both) and 2) find out there is nothing they can do.....meaning it has gotten into my lymph nods!! Been dealing with incredible pain in both breast for a little over 3 months now, had a nipple discharge and didnt think anything about it till a little while later when I read and saw a video about IBC(inflammatory breast cancer)by this point tho I had already gotten the persistent rash that wouldnt go away!

Now I sit here contemplating where or not to call and make said appointment!! So many things going through my head and im not sure what to think!!

On another note, I go in on Monday for an u/s on my uterus, lets hope things look OK so I will at least know one day MAYBE Ill be able to give my sweet loving caring man of a husband another child!!

Im gonna try and keep this as updated as I can, not for myself not for my friends(sorry ladies) but for my children and husband....just in case something does happen to me!!

So this is what I got right now and yes this was a huge train wreck, what can I say, I cant even think straight right now!!

MISCARRIAGE

How many more am I gonna have before a doctor will do something?? I was so scared to have another baby so soon and not having Drake's issues fixed BUT I really need for this to stop! I am on my 7 th m/c and each time it gets worse for me to deal with! I was 5 days late with one odd positive test then I start AF, not just start but START!! I am on my 7th day of excruciating pain, I feel as if it will never go away! How much more of this can I take before I snap?? Im tired hurt and emotionally IDK what to do!

Damn it I have been pregnant 10 times, 3 births and 2 boys to show for it! I want ALL that has been taken from me! Im tired of hurting all the fucking time! I have one friend and and she doesnt even live in the same state as me *cry* I need someone here to talk to, to do things with so I dont keep thinking about all of this shit! I am on a mommy board BUT even there I dont feel like im wanted! (sorry if any of you read this) Do they really want to here about another one?? Are they gonna say things behind my back?? Like is she only doing this for attention type of thing! I shouldnt be scared to tell people, im sorry my body is all fucked up and I cant figure out whats wrong with me!!

One day this will be all over and I wont have to worry about it anymore!! If things keep going the way they are IDK what im gonna do!!! I need to talk to someone about this but every one keeps says "your fine, its no big deal!!" WTF its not a big deal I just lost another child, how is this not a big deal??

Ever feel soooo alone??

Have you ever felt so alone?? Like you dont belong anywhere?? Thats how Im feeling right now and it sucks bad! I live in a place thats just not worth doing anything or going anywhere BESIDES its t damn hot anyways! I wish I was still in Kentucky, it would be so much easier and Id be able to get out and find some new friends! This place just keeps getting worse by the day and I hate it! I would love to take my son out to the park BUT that will never happen here UNLESS I want my kid near gang bangers and drug dealers! Why does my husband have to work for the GOV. and be at the only military installation in the country WITH the worst heat,people and nothing to do?? UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I just need to get out of this place for a bit BUT that wont happen! I tried a few weeks ago and never got off the ground in that plane! I miss the way things use to be, being able to go out and see people, have a few drinks and BE myself! I am no longer myself I have even lost that! When is things gonna get back to normal?? When am I gonna have friends and a life again WITHOUT all the drama!!!! Fuck it my life sucks and its gonna be that way forever!!

The things I hate most!!

I hate when people judge me when they dont even know me! Why should I apologize for something I didnt do wrong! I have been this person for 14 years and NOTHING anyone says or does is gonna change me!

In the last few days I have seen some blogs that are out right judging people for what THEY chose to do with THEIR families! Just because I chose to do something you do not agree with DOESNT make me a bad parent or person!

Yes Im atheist
yes I circ'ed my boys
yes I share a bed with my husband and 11 month old
NO I havent vaxed my son AT ALL
NO its none of your business what I do with MY FAMILY!

Further more in a marriage their are TWO people that make the decisions!
I DO NOT have a penis so its not really my decision its my HUSBANDS

I have been living a lifestyle where my children come 1st no mater what!!
FOR those of you the assume I learned my parenting style from a book YOU ARE DEAD WRONG! I have been this parent before the SO CALLED AP books came out!

These things are what im about and dont care who thinks they are better then me cause they didnt do this or didnt do that! SO to all you ignorant people out there FUCK OFF if you dont like me for letting my husband make a decision about something that MAY or MAY not effect my son later on down the road!!

I AM WHO I AM & I LOVE MY FAMILY & MYSELF!! I am not second guessing my way of parenting JUST because SOME book says I should!!

Hate stupid people!!

Why is it some people are so stupid?? We moved from our old apartment March 28th and the management company (Paul Calvo and CO dont ever rent from them) still is stalling with our return! As of 21 days after we move if we dont receive our deposits and every single charge itemized on a bill WELL they didnt comply! So this means we have ever right to sue them and get double the amount 825$ and the interest from escrow!! Well we have contacted them 4 times now and we are giving them 1 more to comply to the 825$ and interest or we will SUE their rip off asses cause we didnt do anything wrong to that apartment and they are trying to charge us for things we didnt do! Also they charged us another 130$ for rent on the last month when the manager prorated our rent, they kept our cat deposit and our cat didnt do ANY damage WTF!!

So if they dont call us back by end of day today we will go and file suit with the court house in town! I having to do this BUT they broke California state law by not complying with the agreement that was signed by us and the manager!! So updated coming on this soon.................. BUT IM FUCKING PISSED OFF!!

Well I guess this means I have NO friends!!

Jessica and Shannon!!

Im starting to realize that friends come and go!! Im living here in this afull place and dont want to even try here! I have tried a few times before and all I find are people that dont want anything to do with their kids *sigh* Things like this make me want to move home to Maine sooooooo bad, at least I would have my sister!! This sucks when your home 13 hours a day with limited adult conversations!! I wouldnt change being home cause I have my sweet little man BUT I need someone I can actually talk to and be listened to!! All I get is cut off or ignored, I feel like a shrink cause I will help/listen to anyone BUT when I need it I get nothing!! I will say I do have two wonderful friend but they both live many many hours from me!! My friend Jessica lives in NY with her beautiful family and we do talk daily, Now Shannon she is in Hawaii she is a solider, beauty queen and she has limited time for anyone or anything! LIFE sucks I would give up alot to be with them or shit just one of them at this point! I miss my life at Ft.Campbell I always had something to do and friends to do it with! Just going to the park with someone would be nice!! All the places I have been I have made atleast one true friend and here that person was Shannon BUT she has a life/job that far out ways our friendship and I understand that! Now Jessica she is one the sweetest people I have ever met in my life!! She makes my day each and every time I talk to her and her kids! She makes the most adorable babies I have seen yet and OMG I love her boys voices they are so dainty and cute! Jess you mean the world to me and I will do my damnedest to get out there to see you in NY!! I love you Jessica and Shannon you are my sista's from another motha!!!

Been kind of a slacker lately so here is a new blog LOL

Drake is 9 months old already and into everything! Its been fun running around behind Drake's little butt! He is getting so big and almost ready to walk PLEASE NOT YET!!! He eats all the time and wants our stuff instead of the jar food crap! He is still having issues with his skin and we are thinking he has plaque psoriasis and its getting worse!

We moved into a new place March 28th and we are loving it here! We are not having to deal with all the gangs and drugs since we moved! It makes me happy to know that there is one place in Barstow that they havent taken over just yet! Drake seems alot happier here also sleeping through the night and has alot more space to play on clean rugs!! On another note we are getting ready to take the old management company to small claims court due to their stupidity! They owe us over 800$ with intrest and they are acting like jack-asses!!

Wanting to go home for awhile now and ever obstacle has gotten in the way! I miss my son sooooo bad! He loves being in Maine going to school and being with his friends so it makes me happy tooooo I guess!! I guess this is it for now...............