Took me months lol

Finally have a layout, after months of searching for something to show me how I HAVE ONE WOOHOOOO I thought since I have 2 boys I go with the little boy hand/footprint and I love it!!

Today is Mommy's day and to me its just another commercialized holiday in the U.S!! We dont celebrate holiday's the same way as others!! I did get a gift from David, Drake and Greg.....they bought me my Wii and fit back in April!! Other then that who needs things to tell them they are special, just having my kids makes me special!! Really the Wii wasnt intended as a mothers day gift, it was so I could get my weight in check and be able to work out without going outside! I have a severe histamine disorder that causes me to break out from heat, cold, stress......anything that gets my blood boiling or change in body temp!! Im still having issues but its not as bad as when I walk to the store and my blood pressure and temp sky rocket then I breakout from head to toe BOY does it suck!

As of midnight tonight I will be fasting for 2 appointments tomorrow HOW fun! Glucose test in the morn then 40 oz of water for my u/s tomorrow afternoon! I am NOT looking forward to this AT ALL!!

Drake is down for a nappy so Im off to watch this weeks Harper's Island!

For those then celebrate Mothers day, Have a wonderful day <3

Yesterday and lastnight wasnt fun!!

Drake playing with Daddy's safty glasses at 130am :)

With all my issues I wish my son would nap during the day since its the only way he will sleep at night UGH!! We were up till 2am, him running around like a chicken with its head cut off!!
Some nights I dont mind this as long as long as I have more then 4 hours of sleep and last night I was running off of 4 from the night before!! I think his teethe may be bothering him again, so its a good reason to stay up half the night!!

Now for me extreme pain + stomach sleeper = NO real sleep for me since I cant fall asleep unless on my belly!! This sucks and isnt any fun :(


Why are Drs office so fucking stupid??? They called the other day to tell me my referral was all set and call the surgeon......ok cool BUT when I got the nerve up to call the surgeon office yesterday, only to find out they DONT have shit on me WTF!! I am sick to death of all this run around, if something DOES come back I am suing the shit out the insurance company for waiting 3 months for my damn referral for the mammogram and reinstating my Dr WE were paying for the whole time, then this BS run around from my damn Drs!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH BULLSHIT DAMN IT!!

Wow another one already lmao

Lets see here Drake is almost 2 years old "ALL READY" July 23rd is gonna come really quick!! I am feeling like shit since we will not be able to give Drake a party again this year :( We have no friends or even friends with children his age! This hurts me so bad, im seeing all the girls from my birth month talking about what they have planned and who is gonna be there ect.....WE have NO family here either, dont get me wrong there is nothing wrong with Daddy, mommy and Drake celebrating BUT something has got to give! My kids isnt gonna know how to play with others if this shit keeps up!!

My parents have still not met their grandson yet, I still havent made it to Maine due to finances!! My son Greg did make it out here in February for a week, THAT WASNT ENOUGH FOR ME!! I need my sons together and nothing I do will get us the fuck out of Cali!!

What sucks even more is we have had a few job offers but the pay isnt enough to live off of even in KY, a 12$ pay cut would kill us!

Then this afternoon I get a phone call from David and he is NOT GOOD!! He is ready to grieve for his step-dads death, he has been depressed since last night when we got the pictures of the accident and yes his father was in them!! We had to see them, we needed closer and all it did was make us wonder things even more!! One of those thoughts are he was alive some of the time, left out there to die since AT&T wouldnt ping the cell tower with a subpoena from a judge!! THANKS ASSHOLE YOU LET HIM DIE OUT THERE ALONE!! Mind you this is after the Colorado sheriffs department asked them too, what more do you need, the man was 100% disabled, with a lot of health issues!!

All Phil wanted was to go home, kiss and hug his wife and you(AT&T) stole that from them both because of this BS!!

All I want to do is scream right now, all I want is for someone to hit the pause button so I can regain my sanity!! blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ok so its been forever blahhh blahhh ;)

Ok so its been awhile since I've blogged so this may be a train wreck!!


Its so fun when you have NO friends, you sit at home all day thinking of the things you could be doing IF only you had one friend!! Dont get me wrong...... I have friends in Maine and online but not a one where I live!! All I want is to get out of the house with someone other then my son and husband, again dont get me wrong.....I love my family BUT a girl needs some time with other women!! Im going through alot right now, not alot of people know t full extent of all of it! Its hard to talk about to some degree, while on this journey I have discovered some things I didnt want to know and now must deal with and try to fix the problems!!

Im scared in some ways but not in the one most would think....IM NOT afraid to die....IM afraid to leave my children without a mother!! I got my referral yesterday and Im not 100% sure I want to know if 1) I will love a breast(or both) and 2) find out there is nothing they can do.....meaning it has gotten into my lymph nods!! Been dealing with incredible pain in both breast for a little over 3 months now, had a nipple discharge and didnt think anything about it till a little while later when I read and saw a video about IBC(inflammatory breast cancer)by this point tho I had already gotten the persistent rash that wouldnt go away!

Now I sit here contemplating where or not to call and make said appointment!! So many things going through my head and im not sure what to think!!

On another note, I go in on Monday for an u/s on my uterus, lets hope things look OK so I will at least know one day MAYBE Ill be able to give my sweet loving caring man of a husband another child!!

Im gonna try and keep this as updated as I can, not for myself not for my friends(sorry ladies) but for my children and husband....just in case something does happen to me!!

So this is what I got right now and yes this was a huge train wreck, what can I say, I cant even think straight right now!!

MISCARRIAGE

How many more am I gonna have before a doctor will do something?? I was so scared to have another baby so soon and not having Drake's issues fixed BUT I really need for this to stop! I am on my 7 th m/c and each time it gets worse for me to deal with! I was 5 days late with one odd positive test then I start AF, not just start but START!! I am on my 7th day of excruciating pain, I feel as if it will never go away! How much more of this can I take before I snap?? Im tired hurt and emotionally IDK what to do!

Damn it I have been pregnant 10 times, 3 births and 2 boys to show for it! I want ALL that has been taken from me! Im tired of hurting all the fucking time! I have one friend and and she doesnt even live in the same state as me *cry* I need someone here to talk to, to do things with so I dont keep thinking about all of this shit! I am on a mommy board BUT even there I dont feel like im wanted! (sorry if any of you read this) Do they really want to here about another one?? Are they gonna say things behind my back?? Like is she only doing this for attention type of thing! I shouldnt be scared to tell people, im sorry my body is all fucked up and I cant figure out whats wrong with me!!

One day this will be all over and I wont have to worry about it anymore!! If things keep going the way they are IDK what im gonna do!!! I need to talk to someone about this but every one keeps says "your fine, its no big deal!!" WTF its not a big deal I just lost another child, how is this not a big deal??

Ever feel soooo alone??

Have you ever felt so alone?? Like you dont belong anywhere?? Thats how Im feeling right now and it sucks bad! I live in a place thats just not worth doing anything or going anywhere BESIDES its t damn hot anyways! I wish I was still in Kentucky, it would be so much easier and Id be able to get out and find some new friends! This place just keeps getting worse by the day and I hate it! I would love to take my son out to the park BUT that will never happen here UNLESS I want my kid near gang bangers and drug dealers! Why does my husband have to work for the GOV. and be at the only military installation in the country WITH the worst heat,people and nothing to do?? UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I just need to get out of this place for a bit BUT that wont happen! I tried a few weeks ago and never got off the ground in that plane! I miss the way things use to be, being able to go out and see people, have a few drinks and BE myself! I am no longer myself I have even lost that! When is things gonna get back to normal?? When am I gonna have friends and a life again WITHOUT all the drama!!!! Fuck it my life sucks and its gonna be that way forever!!

The things I hate most!!

I hate when people judge me when they dont even know me! Why should I apologize for something I didnt do wrong! I have been this person for 14 years and NOTHING anyone says or does is gonna change me!

In the last few days I have seen some blogs that are out right judging people for what THEY chose to do with THEIR families! Just because I chose to do something you do not agree with DOESNT make me a bad parent or person!

Yes Im atheist
yes I circ'ed my boys
yes I share a bed with my husband and 11 month old
NO I havent vaxed my son AT ALL
NO its none of your business what I do with MY FAMILY!

Further more in a marriage their are TWO people that make the decisions!
I DO NOT have a penis so its not really my decision its my HUSBANDS

I have been living a lifestyle where my children come 1st no mater what!!
FOR those of you the assume I learned my parenting style from a book YOU ARE DEAD WRONG! I have been this parent before the SO CALLED AP books came out!

These things are what im about and dont care who thinks they are better then me cause they didnt do this or didnt do that! SO to all you ignorant people out there FUCK OFF if you dont like me for letting my husband make a decision about something that MAY or MAY not effect my son later on down the road!!

I AM WHO I AM & I LOVE MY FAMILY & MYSELF!! I am not second guessing my way of parenting JUST because SOME book says I should!!