Update with diagnosis

Well yesterday was a very long day, nothing to do but sit and wait for my appointment!! I was going out of my mind by noon time, still had 3 1/2 to wait at that point lol I really didnt want to go in there!! Havent gotten everything 100% yet but im working on that!!

So far (PCOS) Polycystic ovary syndrome, 4 1/2 cm cyst in my left ovary and pre-diabetic!! This is just the begging of all this, I have been put on Metformin for the PCOS and diabetic issues.......lets hope this helps with all these crazy issues! As for the cyst we will be watching it very closley since at 5cm is when they remove them!! Well now I know where all that pain was coming from.......its not fun at all!! I will need to go back in for another trans/vag u/s in 3 months OR if if it ruptures........this is something we dont want to happen since I could lose my ovary or hemorrhage......yet another NOT fun!!!

After lunch I will be making the two appointments, one I will not talk about on here(my girls know what it is) the other is the surgeon for my right boob!! They want to start off with just the u/s, they want to look around before they go sticking a 6in vacuum needle into my freaking tit!! I want to make sure 100% before I put myself through MORE pain!! Most days I feel as if someone is sticking hot pokers slowly into my cleavage......all I want to do is scream........they will NOT give me anything for the pain, so I informed my Dr yet again that I am "NOT" scared to self medicate myself................have been for years "YES" she knows this!!! I told her right out, this is unfair for me to deal with ALL of this pain...........I asked her have you ever dealt with this much physical pain in your life???? She said "NO" I wanted to slap the bitch upside her head!!

Look this woman is a great "PERSON" she just sucks as a Dr.........this is something Im learning more and more as I see her! I KNOW MORE about PCOS, ovarian cysts ALL my health issues and this bitch wants to beat around the bush and risk me losing my ovary and boobs *chinscratch*

WELL yesterday I made that womans mouth drop more then once in her office!! I felt SOOOOOO fucking good about it, I stood my ground like "I" said I would!! I have had enough of this shit, 15 years of pure and utter hell with my deformed, broken ass body!! People wonder(yes Ill say it again)why I AM THE WAY I AM lmfao

I am a bitch and I love the fact that I am, If I wasnt this way NOTHING would ever get done with these idiot doctors out here in CA(no offense to anyone) Now this is the 5th time I have had to put "MY" foot down with either the Dr, Insurance or the group provider!!! Fuck them all, I will have things MY way ITS my body ;)

Would do anything.....

to have just one person to talk to at this VERY MINUTE...................im soooo unhappy.............dont know what to do......................just ONE person would be nice..................I help so many people but when I need it NO ONE IS AROUND! I need a sholder once in a while also, where is my sholder?? I am tired of not feeling wanted where ever I go, I have tried soooo hard to just NOT CARE but I cant do that......I need somewhere I can feel LIKE ME, FEEL LIKE I BELONG.........................I guess being almost 32 I dont belong anywhere, you would think by now Id find something........................

Hmmmm makes me wonder???

So I went to bed with David about an hour ago, boy was that one a mistake :`( WTF, im laying next to you crying and all you could do is tap me on the back and ask if im CRYING?? WTF, all I wanted was you to hold me!!

Im sooo depressed right now, I drank for the same stupid reasons I did 6 1/2 years ago........because I DONT FEEL WANTED BY ANYONE!! How many times do I have to tell you??

Im lonely, depressed and all you care about is how I hurt your feeling tonight.....HOW ABOUT MINE??? They havent mattered yet in 6+ years, you wonder why I am the way I am?? Think about it for 10 mins maybe you'll get it!!

WTF do you think I could forget about a relationship that started while "YOU" were still in elementary school!! This is the father of my child, he never cared about me and Gregory and now I feel im in the same fucking boat w/out the drinking!!

I have fucking feelings also, do you know what its like when your 11 year old son calls here crying his eyes out since he father hasnt called or written in over 2 years??? I hate the man BUT I also hate seeing my son so depressed over a man that could care less about him!!

I love you David, I wouldnt be with you if I didnt BUT seeing him do for his new wife what he should have been doing for Greg and I the WHOLE time is killing me!! How the fuck could you marry someone that is a heroin addict?? Once an addict ALWAYS an addict......Dick I have you to thank for the knowledge on this one SINCE I AM NOW considered a recovering addict!! Thanks fuck face!!!! If I hadent been drinking ALL of your beer ALL of those years to keep you from ABUSING your (so called wife at the time)wife and child!!

Oh im soooo fucking glad Iris, you think he is gods gift I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU!!!! Dont tell me I didnt warn you, DONT HAVE KIDS WITH THAT MAN!! He has 2 already that he GAVE UP and signed rights away!! You both claim you love Mandy and Greg WELL if that was the case IRIS you would have talked him OUT OF RE-JOINING THE ARMY!! See and thanks to you Iris my son doesnt have a father anymore, you made him re-join so you didnt have to be in Maine anymore since THEY ALL know you are a fucking tweaker from HELL!! Kiss my ass you scanky fucking bitch, oh and Dick DONT EVER THINK YOU WILL GET "MY" SON!!

Not happy, feel unwanted in my own home and would like to take my sons and run the fuck away!!!


I HATE YOU RICHARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im drunk

Yup, im sitting here killing a bottle of Jagger.....prob not the best thing right now BUT its all I got!! Lets see here, Monday was my u/s with the Ob's office.......I say with since I never got to talk with an actually OB Dr!!! I have been told only one thing....no to get preggo anytime soon.....hmmmm wonder why?? I do know some faces were made between the two techs that I didnt like!! You know something is up when they dont let you watch the damn thing!! I hate going into a place where I cant get answers till a week later! I miss Maine more then anything right now since ALL of my tests would have been done in ONE office and not this whole....come here do tests BUT wait FOREVER for test resulsts!! So this Monday is my Drs visit to find you whats up with my body, still DONT think they will be able to get an answer since my Dr told me right out to NOT have the my testing done on CD3.......OH NO wait till the following week when the tests will come back inconclusive blahhhhhhh I HATE DRs!!!!

Oh and did I say I was getting drunk, yup I have finished off half a bottle of Jagger on my own! I could so get on a plane in 25 days and fly home to Maine to kill my ex-hubby want to be father of the year......get a grip buddy, if you wanted to be father of the year you shouldnt have signed your parental rights away to re-joined the damned Army!! Love my soldiers BUT not this low life scum of a want to be dad!! He has been gone to Africa for 15 months, never once called or wrote a letter to my boy!! WTF would he even want you as a father when you dont care about him!! ALL you hate about deployment is missing you ex-heroin wife and you fucking cats......UMMMM hello you have 2 children that I bet would love to see you and know their father!!! AHHHH WTF ever, you are scum....NO I will never tell your son that SINCE he figured it out on his own!! SEE those are some good genes MINE damn it!!

Love you Gregory, remember that mommy is ALWAYS here for you 100%!!

Will update when I get my test results on Monday!!

Took me months lol

Finally have a layout, after months of searching for something to show me how I HAVE ONE WOOHOOOO I thought since I have 2 boys I go with the little boy hand/footprint and I love it!!

Today is Mommy's day and to me its just another commercialized holiday in the U.S!! We dont celebrate holiday's the same way as others!! I did get a gift from David, Drake and Greg.....they bought me my Wii and fit back in April!! Other then that who needs things to tell them they are special, just having my kids makes me special!! Really the Wii wasnt intended as a mothers day gift, it was so I could get my weight in check and be able to work out without going outside! I have a severe histamine disorder that causes me to break out from heat, cold, stress......anything that gets my blood boiling or change in body temp!! Im still having issues but its not as bad as when I walk to the store and my blood pressure and temp sky rocket then I breakout from head to toe BOY does it suck!

As of midnight tonight I will be fasting for 2 appointments tomorrow HOW fun! Glucose test in the morn then 40 oz of water for my u/s tomorrow afternoon! I am NOT looking forward to this AT ALL!!

Drake is down for a nappy so Im off to watch this weeks Harper's Island!

For those then celebrate Mothers day, Have a wonderful day <3

Yesterday and lastnight wasnt fun!!

Drake playing with Daddy's safty glasses at 130am :)

With all my issues I wish my son would nap during the day since its the only way he will sleep at night UGH!! We were up till 2am, him running around like a chicken with its head cut off!!
Some nights I dont mind this as long as long as I have more then 4 hours of sleep and last night I was running off of 4 from the night before!! I think his teethe may be bothering him again, so its a good reason to stay up half the night!!

Now for me extreme pain + stomach sleeper = NO real sleep for me since I cant fall asleep unless on my belly!! This sucks and isnt any fun :(


Why are Drs office so fucking stupid??? They called the other day to tell me my referral was all set and call the surgeon......ok cool BUT when I got the nerve up to call the surgeon office yesterday, only to find out they DONT have shit on me WTF!! I am sick to death of all this run around, if something DOES come back I am suing the shit out the insurance company for waiting 3 months for my damn referral for the mammogram and reinstating my Dr WE were paying for the whole time, then this BS run around from my damn Drs!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH BULLSHIT DAMN IT!!

Wow another one already lmao

Lets see here Drake is almost 2 years old "ALL READY" July 23rd is gonna come really quick!! I am feeling like shit since we will not be able to give Drake a party again this year :( We have no friends or even friends with children his age! This hurts me so bad, im seeing all the girls from my birth month talking about what they have planned and who is gonna be there ect.....WE have NO family here either, dont get me wrong there is nothing wrong with Daddy, mommy and Drake celebrating BUT something has got to give! My kids isnt gonna know how to play with others if this shit keeps up!!

My parents have still not met their grandson yet, I still havent made it to Maine due to finances!! My son Greg did make it out here in February for a week, THAT WASNT ENOUGH FOR ME!! I need my sons together and nothing I do will get us the fuck out of Cali!!

What sucks even more is we have had a few job offers but the pay isnt enough to live off of even in KY, a 12$ pay cut would kill us!

Then this afternoon I get a phone call from David and he is NOT GOOD!! He is ready to grieve for his step-dads death, he has been depressed since last night when we got the pictures of the accident and yes his father was in them!! We had to see them, we needed closer and all it did was make us wonder things even more!! One of those thoughts are he was alive some of the time, left out there to die since AT&T wouldnt ping the cell tower with a subpoena from a judge!! THANKS ASSHOLE YOU LET HIM DIE OUT THERE ALONE!! Mind you this is after the Colorado sheriffs department asked them too, what more do you need, the man was 100% disabled, with a lot of health issues!!

All Phil wanted was to go home, kiss and hug his wife and you(AT&T) stole that from them both because of this BS!!

All I want to do is scream right now, all I want is for someone to hit the pause button so I can regain my sanity!! blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh