I FUCKING GIVE UP!!!

Im done dealing with Drs. I have had enough of this fucking run around, I RATHER JUST DIE! That would solve ALL of this shit, then my husband doesnt have to be marry to a fucking cunt!!

I am NOT doing this anymore, the fucking stress isnt worth this, the pain isnt worth this, LIFE its worth this anymore!! I have been fucking crying for 3 fucking hours straight, with no end in site!!

The Drs want me to self refer myslef WELL they can go fuck themselves when they cant even give me the right numbers to call, give me a fucking run around so I LOOK LIKE stupid, WELL do your fucking jobs and I wouldnt be so fucking angry with y'all!!

Its the blind leading the fucking blind, this Dr doesnt even know how to deal with my issues, yet dont send me the right fucking Drs is gonna solve this shit?????


IM FUCKING DONE!!!

3 damn hours WTF

Why is it that after 3 hours then removing the post people start to respond and want to see it and blahhhh fucking blahhhh All I wanted was a simple question answered and WTF do I get NOTHING as always!!

I no my place and its not APA, Facebook or myspace ect......................ITS NO WHERE!! Fuck it, ill stay a loner the rest of my fucking life so I dont have to deal with 2 faced fucking people!!!

Whats the point to talk with people IRL or online, leave the house or even answer the phone??? When the people on the other side dont give a "DAMN" what I have to say!!

I have dealt with more in my 31 years then most people will their entire lives, that fucking sad :(
Even my dad at 55 tells me I have see more death and heartache then most people could handle!!

My life has been one big fucking roller coaster, from the death of my daughter, fighting to get and stay preggo, all the fucking losses, throwing 14 years of my life down the drain for a man that never loved me!! Its sad when he tells me now, "I only married you cause I felt bad Brianna died WTF.....................Its nice to know all these years later :(


One day I guess Ill find some place I belong BUT for now, Ill be MIA, cause whats the point to be some place where you feel very unwanted!!!

Hurt, this sums it all up

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


This is one song that hits home for me, so many people I want to tell to get fucked at this very moment!! I try soooo hard to be there for people and in the end I get fucked!!

Update with diagnosis

Well yesterday was a very long day, nothing to do but sit and wait for my appointment!! I was going out of my mind by noon time, still had 3 1/2 to wait at that point lol I really didnt want to go in there!! Havent gotten everything 100% yet but im working on that!!

So far (PCOS) Polycystic ovary syndrome, 4 1/2 cm cyst in my left ovary and pre-diabetic!! This is just the begging of all this, I have been put on Metformin for the PCOS and diabetic issues.......lets hope this helps with all these crazy issues! As for the cyst we will be watching it very closley since at 5cm is when they remove them!! Well now I know where all that pain was coming from.......its not fun at all!! I will need to go back in for another trans/vag u/s in 3 months OR if if it ruptures........this is something we dont want to happen since I could lose my ovary or hemorrhage......yet another NOT fun!!!

After lunch I will be making the two appointments, one I will not talk about on here(my girls know what it is) the other is the surgeon for my right boob!! They want to start off with just the u/s, they want to look around before they go sticking a 6in vacuum needle into my freaking tit!! I want to make sure 100% before I put myself through MORE pain!! Most days I feel as if someone is sticking hot pokers slowly into my cleavage......all I want to do is scream........they will NOT give me anything for the pain, so I informed my Dr yet again that I am "NOT" scared to self medicate myself................have been for years "YES" she knows this!!! I told her right out, this is unfair for me to deal with ALL of this pain...........I asked her have you ever dealt with this much physical pain in your life???? She said "NO" I wanted to slap the bitch upside her head!!

Look this woman is a great "PERSON" she just sucks as a Dr.........this is something Im learning more and more as I see her! I KNOW MORE about PCOS, ovarian cysts ALL my health issues and this bitch wants to beat around the bush and risk me losing my ovary and boobs *chinscratch*

WELL yesterday I made that womans mouth drop more then once in her office!! I felt SOOOOOO fucking good about it, I stood my ground like "I" said I would!! I have had enough of this shit, 15 years of pure and utter hell with my deformed, broken ass body!! People wonder(yes Ill say it again)why I AM THE WAY I AM lmfao

I am a bitch and I love the fact that I am, If I wasnt this way NOTHING would ever get done with these idiot doctors out here in CA(no offense to anyone) Now this is the 5th time I have had to put "MY" foot down with either the Dr, Insurance or the group provider!!! Fuck them all, I will have things MY way ITS my body ;)

Would do anything.....

to have just one person to talk to at this VERY MINUTE...................im soooo unhappy.............dont know what to do......................just ONE person would be nice..................I help so many people but when I need it NO ONE IS AROUND! I need a sholder once in a while also, where is my sholder?? I am tired of not feeling wanted where ever I go, I have tried soooo hard to just NOT CARE but I cant do that......I need somewhere I can feel LIKE ME, FEEL LIKE I BELONG.........................I guess being almost 32 I dont belong anywhere, you would think by now Id find something........................

Hmmmm makes me wonder???

So I went to bed with David about an hour ago, boy was that one a mistake :`( WTF, im laying next to you crying and all you could do is tap me on the back and ask if im CRYING?? WTF, all I wanted was you to hold me!!

Im sooo depressed right now, I drank for the same stupid reasons I did 6 1/2 years ago........because I DONT FEEL WANTED BY ANYONE!! How many times do I have to tell you??

Im lonely, depressed and all you care about is how I hurt your feeling tonight.....HOW ABOUT MINE??? They havent mattered yet in 6+ years, you wonder why I am the way I am?? Think about it for 10 mins maybe you'll get it!!

WTF do you think I could forget about a relationship that started while "YOU" were still in elementary school!! This is the father of my child, he never cared about me and Gregory and now I feel im in the same fucking boat w/out the drinking!!

I have fucking feelings also, do you know what its like when your 11 year old son calls here crying his eyes out since he father hasnt called or written in over 2 years??? I hate the man BUT I also hate seeing my son so depressed over a man that could care less about him!!

I love you David, I wouldnt be with you if I didnt BUT seeing him do for his new wife what he should have been doing for Greg and I the WHOLE time is killing me!! How the fuck could you marry someone that is a heroin addict?? Once an addict ALWAYS an addict......Dick I have you to thank for the knowledge on this one SINCE I AM NOW considered a recovering addict!! Thanks fuck face!!!! If I hadent been drinking ALL of your beer ALL of those years to keep you from ABUSING your (so called wife at the time)wife and child!!

Oh im soooo fucking glad Iris, you think he is gods gift I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU!!!! Dont tell me I didnt warn you, DONT HAVE KIDS WITH THAT MAN!! He has 2 already that he GAVE UP and signed rights away!! You both claim you love Mandy and Greg WELL if that was the case IRIS you would have talked him OUT OF RE-JOINING THE ARMY!! See and thanks to you Iris my son doesnt have a father anymore, you made him re-join so you didnt have to be in Maine anymore since THEY ALL know you are a fucking tweaker from HELL!! Kiss my ass you scanky fucking bitch, oh and Dick DONT EVER THINK YOU WILL GET "MY" SON!!

Not happy, feel unwanted in my own home and would like to take my sons and run the fuck away!!!


I HATE YOU RICHARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!